So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
