when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
