i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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