i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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