omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
