Do you still have your period?
Welp...herpes.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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