My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I am available for nakedness
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
