Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
