booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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