just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
