the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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