I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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