dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am full of burrito and curiosity
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
