she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
