I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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