Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
