Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
