I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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