just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
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