wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
