Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
