I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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