do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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