So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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