guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
