I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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