when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I have fence marks all over my body
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
