I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
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I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
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You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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