yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
