listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
