Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
