I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
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Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
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I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after