My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
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She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means