i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.