There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.