Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
