Taylor Swift is so right about you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
