I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
