I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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