Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I am naked and annoyed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
