Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
