Im at strip club and am horny
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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