Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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