Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
