I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
