Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
