she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
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Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
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Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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