Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
