Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
