You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
