I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
