I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
