OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
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We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
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You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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