My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
