awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
