girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
