I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
