Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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