A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Come see our sink grown plant.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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