when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
